What Am I meant to do? (A Guide to 'Being Born')

Our third stage of criminal rehabilitation (or indeed anyones personal transformation) is the want to actively do something, anything – about the situation. It may surprise some but this can often be the most challenging. Particularly true in situations that have manifested for some time. Even years. If you don’t believe me, think back to five events that you feel ‘dictated’ a reaction in you. Was there really no choice but for you to act the way you did?

There’s many reasons why actively doing something eludes many. A major one is the inability to learn from mistakes. Or at least to know what to do. Going back to my earlier post on personal responsibility & choice – why else do we allow ourselves to be inept in ways which will enrich our lives?

So why do many not learn from mistakes? Contrary to popular belief and the media, most criminals are not stupid. Yes they may have little academic education. They do quite often excel in their chosen field – Taking advantage of others. Exploiting humans. In this they know what they are meant to know.

Such a disregard for the law & justice. To such an extreme that not only does the criminal not follow the law, they also largely dont recoqnise it’s existence. When prison isn’t even as important to be an inconvenience. A place to hang out, regroup. And yes strange as this may sound a bit of a training centre. We can get very fit, learn many things that even some military & law enforcement use to combat ‘mission stress’. We will eat balanced meals. Will network with like-minded folks. Learn new skills in crime. We will become more clear thinking. More focussed. Possibly more ambitious? Oh yes, these are common ingredients for criminals. And should one wish – the offender will be released from prison being a much more able criminal!

So. We’re in a rut. You & I. Doesn’t really matter if it is crime or the way a person reacts to any other event. If one needs some life events to change, then.. They need something to change! What can be done? Anything really. Everything. If you’re thinking what is going to be effective for you – i can’t answer totally. I can share what has been effective for me. And yipp-kai-ayy! We’re at last moving onto some more positive themes..

The spring of 1996 saw me in Europe. Wanted in Northern Ireland for questioning on ‘Suspicion of Armed Robbery‘. I began to feel a familiar feeling of being ‘watched’. I felt the police were moving in. Resigning my ‘career’ as a Tobacco Smuggler in Dover (no it’s not glamorous, hehe). Having bought a £4 ‘day return’ shopping trip ticket to Calais on P & O I landed with a small rucksack of clothes, a bottle of water, and £1. A visit to the French Foreign Legion in their citadel in Lille turned out to be much briefer than I had anticipated. It was a dream for many years to join. Unfortunately for me, i was only told later by the CID that most who wish to join an army from Northern Ireland undergo a background check back home. And I was wanted on the UK National database, and soon to be Interpol for the ‘flagging’ of me in Lille. This along with the FFL (French Foreign Legion) intolerance at serious crime offences made me not attractive it seems. With the Adjundant calling me ‘Hitch-hikerrr’ and telling me to come back in three months, i decided to carry on down to Spain. Hitch-hiking through France to Northern Spain (Lloret de Mar, Costa Brava to be exact)

Looking back it was one of the most liberating times of my life. I’ve always wanted to go back to Europe hitch-hiking. Very kind people really. Standing in Paeges in France. With drivers offering to take me to Italy, Portugal, Spain, anywhere really. I cant’ remember where I was exactly, but I know I was told I was close to the French/Spanish border. Hold on, i’ll check my route on google. Ahh, I can see I went down through Perpignan to Gerona. What i’m recalling is in a HGV lorry one lovely sunny day close to Easter. It was either mountains or large hills. Lots of trees. For miles actually. Huge forests. Step ravines. Jeez, didn’t it all seem so perfect! I hadn’t eaten in days. Couldn’t speak the language. No money or food. Yet everything felt right. This was probably an earliest awareness of spirituality i felt. An intense awareness. It really set the scene for what was to come..

Got work in an English ‘Hard Rock’ nightclub. Basically cleaning it out for the Easter season. I would sleep on the beach in Lloret. Go to a local baker. Eat Fresh bread, washed down with a bottle of water. Looking at the sun rising over the Mediterranean. I stayed in Europe for a few weeks before going back to Dover to live. A nice, but kinda ‘different’ guy called Tim gave me a book on Chi Kung. One by Mantak Chia. I began to practice the spiritual exercises in it. Wow! They really blew my mind. This was my first true taste of spiritual practice. It seemed everything was leading me right up to this. Life seemed to be falling into place. It was about to get even more perfect for me.

It wasn’t long before the Harbour Police arrested me. Usually it was customs. I was flagged up as having a UK arrest warrant and was on my way back to Northern Ireland. Escorted by the CID. I was placed into HMP Maghaberry. This was an interesting time for me. I was doing certain spiritual practices whilst ignoring other ones. It sent me a little nutty. As tended to happen with me – the Prison Officers were largely freindly to me. Problem was, the HMP Crumlin had just shut down. So all remand prisoners were sent to Maghaberry. Maghaberry was a somewhat ‘long-term’ prison. I had actually been going there since i was 17, for other reasons. Being a long-term prison it was usually more relaxed. As prisoners after a time will mostly just get down to doing the time. The arrival of remand prisoners, and their staff really upset things.

A major way this affected me personally was not being able to get to the library. When I did get there nothing really caught my eye. I was about to leave when a book titled ‘ we’re all doing time’ caught my eye. Picking it up I could see it was a practical manual on Yoga, meditation, etc. A handbook wrote especially for prisoners. Perfect place, perfect time. I began to embark on a spiritual retreat of sorts. I had my solitude. Began my practices in peace. It was a most beautiful few months.

I had a solid base now of spiritual practice. One would think that was me. On the straight & narrow. I still had major issues in many parts of my life though. I managed to stay out of prison for over a year. Something extraordinary in those times for me.

When i did go back into prison it was for Armed Robbery. A total 5 year sentence. I got transferred to HMP Magilligan. A pretty good prison also. Just out-of-the-way for many visitors. Situated in the upper left of Northern Ireland. It was there with much more time on my hands that I began to practice Yoga & meditation much more. I got my Yoga Teaching Diploma whilst there.

I was fortunate enough to move down to HMP Maze around 2000. An excellant prison, for prisoners. We got out every second weekend to our homes. Had many other perks. I worked in the Kitchens so always had plenty of food. Specifically in the butchers. Where my vocational level would have been the same as NVQ level 2.

During my time in both prisons, I had practiced Yoga for at least 3 hours per day, for years now. I got more formal training from a well-known Yoga Teacher/trainer who happened to be teaching the republican prisoners. On my bi-monthly home leave i would visit a well-known martial arts teacher in Lisburn for personal tuition. He would later become a world champion in a chosen arena.

I was sooo at peace. Things were so great. Yet, once again, upon release things still didn’t change completely. Yes I had growing morals, etc. Though I was still involved with gangs, crime, etc.

It wasn’t until the summer of 2005 that the correct circumstances came about. My family had left me. I’d just spent maybe £4000 on cocaine in one month. I owed money to some really scary folks. With a raging drug addiction I began to plan my suicide. I gathered around 70 diazepam. Though something held me back.

Spotting a leaflet by chance one day, I saw it spoke about ‘healing’. Something called ‘Reiki’. Some form of energy healing. Even after checking it out on google I still wasn’t sure. After some false starts i decided to give it a go.

Within three weeks my drug use had stopped. I was surprised to also feel i had nothing in common with my fellow gang members. And decided i wanted to leave. My Family saw such a sharp change in me that they took my back. So i moved towns.

The change has amazed. Sometimes it is easy to not recognise what is a really good positive story. It’s not about ego. It’s about facts. Using ones own mistakes. Highlighting them very openly. Letting everyone know I was a scumbag. A person who lived for crime. Who routinely had weapons used on him & used them on others.

In some quarters this openness is being used against me. That comes with the territory really. The more a person lets society into their lives, particularly their mistakes, there will be some who will seek to make themselves feel more superior. I get that. Even respect that. We’re all on our own path, must do whatever we need to feel purpose in life.

It is very powerful to share from personal experience. Unfortunately the more intense the personal experiences are the more impact it has. There was never anything romantic or superb in what i experienced. I was a stupid person. Selfish.

As we can see, in my life often when there were major challenges along came another opportunity for immense good. What made a lasting difference was Reiki. Although in reality all events were crucially required to have happened to lead me to even want Reiki. What helped me may/may not help you. And that is cool.

The message in this entry is crucial to all of us. I have been in the most darkest of places & situations many times over the years. You can maybe begin to imagine the futility of my life. Let your imagination run a little. Everytime someone was killed locally my friends, family & enemies would be expecting it to be me. I’ve a wry smile on my face. If only my situations where that simple.

Is there really no hope? No options? No choices? In which we can improve things? If you are in such a place now you already have the factors to develop the first two stages of change. Personal responsibility & Conscience/Remorse. Get those two developing a little first. This doesn’t have to take weeks or even days necessarily. All that is required is an honest appraisal of things. Go try something practical to enact change. Anything. In the early stages it may not be even important if what you try works. What is really important is that for once you are beginning to change the dynamics in your life.

Keep trying new things. You are not a failure because you don’t seem to be getting the results you want. You are a winner because you are travelling along the road to that place you want to be. Sometimes the best things have to be worked for. The lasting things. It isn’t fair that you would sit and do nothing.

There is a reality right in front of us. All around us. It is kinda ‘separate’ from everyday reality. I’m speaking of this planet. This existence. This life. that is truly beyond the media. Beyond even societies whims. Even beyond the latest critic of you. It’s a wonderful place this world. This existence. It makes our life very rich. Helps us to see some good in all things. It makes life worthwhile. Gives it purpose. It isn’t a spiritual practice per se, but can be viewed as one.

It’s accessed through – I am responsible in some way for what i experience. I am sorry for my actions. I am doing something now to change things. It is all a matter of perception. Our perception dictates our reality. And our reality dictates our experience.

Warmest wishes

Wayne

LuvSoulJah wrote:

have done this... minus the fridge hehe

LuvSoulJah wrote:yep, you will need one road, atleast one thumb...., one smile ,PATIENCE, some water, add some adventure and a pinch of craziness. Best served chilled