Eating Crow-pie

Life is amazing. An individuals thoughts, beliefs, desires - everything that makes up their reality - is such a unique, at-times convoluted path. It can be a challenge to find some sense of order. Purpose.

I'm no different. Subject to the same paradoxes as you. Lately this has been brought home to me more than any other time. My family & I have had many weeks of chaos. All through my actions. Naturally.

I've been writing my memoirs. Which of course automatically means i have to write about my past. In order to do this i have to (at least) mentally re-live huge portions of my life.

It's fair to say most of us have some things we'd like to forget. Events we regret. It would also be fair to say that I've got more to regret than most.

A few weeks ago i received a death threat in relation to my book. It would be easy to say my subsequent actions were due to the pressure of this. That would be a lie. Threats are something very common to me. They number in double-figures as far as actual death threats are concerned. I have to admit though it likely was a factor.

What really has been a challenge. A huge bitter-sweet torture. Was recounting my past. So openly & honestly. It ended up being too much for me. Or was it - i wonder. Maybe it was exactly what i needed, looking back.

I had a relapse. A substance relapse. A lot of the weeks are a blur now. I know my behavior changed dramatically. I began to act in ways that were quite curious, and not indicative - of a married man. Especially one only married months ago. This itself brought terrible worry for me.

My kids rarely saw me. We would keep them completely sanitized from my new lifestyle. The end-result of this would be the kids saw very little of me. My son Calem is autistic. He relies on me for almost everything. See's me, and needs me, as his stabilizing rock. I took that away from him. Stole it from my son. In a brief moment of sobriety a week or so ago he told me, "Daddy, when will you stop being sick? I don't see you anymore."

For weeks i felt so powerless. That this had gripped me was true. It had a stranglehold on me. I was really trying to numb out the pain. In doing so i created much more pain. It began to dawn on me that there could be no good ending to all this.

My wife, Ann, felt powerless. This was the worst nightmare for her. She could only sit back and watch me destroy myself. And my family. I done what i wanted. Her view i knew. Knew she objected completely. Yet i was so selfish. So caught up in the 'poor-Wayne' drama. A drama i created. With pain. And years later was re-creating it with more pain. The only real option Ann had would be to seek compulsory help for me. Or to leave. Without going into detail, as will be shown in my book, compulsory help was a total no-go. As for leaving me. Ann knew she & the kids represented the one chance i had to stabilize myself. Leaving me ran the risk i would see that as a form of desertion. The outcome of which could be disastrous.

How does any of this fit into Reiki though? Or indeed, what has it got to do with the forum? you're maybe asking.

I've deliberately placed this in the Reiki experience section. As you'll see, this life event has been a great teaching to me. And particularly a Reiki one. I want to highlight the stark contradictions that i have went through. At various part of my life. Maybe you could refer to the topics 'Being Born' & 'There is no Spirit', in this forum section.

The latter topic is a very recent one. One that got some attention on here. Smiling wryly. You'll maybe remember my 'dismissal' in the 'There is no Spirit' topic on well, anything spiritual?

The funny. Hilarious. Exciting thing is. That the only way that has enabled me to be brought out of the past few weeks has been in fact the very topics i have been dismissing!

An awareness of spirit was one of the first things. And a plea for help. I have five crystals from my early days with Reiki. You guys will know I've most definitely not been a supporter of crystals in Reiki. For years. I've now been using Reiki charged crystals for days. Even better still. In the 'There is no Spirit' topic Ben had been repeatedly suggesting books by Tom Kenyon. Which i repeatedly dismissed. I'm now at the proper place where i've actually begun reading one of Tom's books. A wedding present from Ben too actually. Haha!

I'm using other platforms once more too. More in-depth Yoga. As well as the stuff i spoke of in my previous topic on here. I has only been a few days really. Sobriety for just over a week now. And i'm being very careful. My energy can build up quickly and i feel super-human, haha. This time i'm being cautious. I do feel i am back though. Lucky enough to have got backing both professionally & personally over the weekend. Which really boosted me.

Looking at the contradictions in my own views it has brought a huge lesson to me. That every single path within Reiki, and indeed spiritually is not just as valid as any other. It is as potent as any other. This is a very important point.

Following from this i had to think about the paths i had traveled for years. With Reiki. And indeed all things. how each time i set aside one way of thinking. To step into another vehicle. Each time thinking i was upgrading my 'car'. Only now to virtually go right back to the start in many ways. When i needed it most, it was those ways that had the most impact.

This brought me to my nextrealization. All those times i felt i was progressing by setting aside in-accurate ways/paths. My ego had merely been tricking me. For many years. In the end, all the knowledge on Reiki, spirituality, life was useless. The years of in-depth study meant nothing. Not when i needed it most.

I thought i was progressing. When in reality i was merely wasting my time. My years of research/experiences can be summed up in one sentence...

The truth, the real truth about Reiki - is the one we currently believe...

warmest wishes
Wayne

Hi Wayne

What a ride!

Good to see you back though - what a incredibly supportive family you have!

Thank you, once again for sharing such personal experiences. We all have our path to walk but yours seems more precarious than most, more likely to have some slips along the way but, ultimately, what a sense of achievement and, by examining the experience as you have done, much can be learned for yourself and others!

The truth, the real truth about Reiki - is the one we currently believe...

So true!

Wayne I disagree with .....

I thought i was progressing. When in reality i was merely wasting my time.

Time is never wasted we are all on life's learning path's
We have choices to make and they come from our life
experiences. Writing about our experiences can be
difficult but in the long run these writings help us
come to terms with changing the path we're on. There
are always on/off ramps on our learning paths. If we
look at our life in segments of ten. Start with our
early childhood and move along to the next decade
10-20 then 20-30, 30-40 note our life changes as
we move into each decade. A very interesting exercise



The Reiki Learning Lounge helps us move through our
difficult road blocks. IMO Reiki is a self -healing
system that helps us go in-ward and find our spirituality;
as we travel along making choices to use the on/off ramps
or stay the same course

for sharing a difficult part of your journey.

I'm sorry I was still wrapped up in your previous chapter!
Sounds like you went through some stages of faith/growth and with that come some rough feelings of doubt and such. I cannot really express it well.

This threat must have shaken you (even though it may come as no surprise to you?).
I hope you are safe and that your family is safe and well too.

Well, I am reminded of the old Desert Fathers in the Egyptian deserts who said "We fall and get up again, we fall and get up," in a reply to the question 'what is a monk'?

I got a new topic forming inside. It's an amalgamation of both topics. As both are cool!

Dear Wayne,
You are right there are events in our lives which we’d like to forget. But they WERE. You can hide them from others but can not hide from yourself. You were a bit different earlier, were not you?

The only way is to go back to the past and to relive these painful moments of your life once more, ten times, hundred times returning back and back again. Forgive the people and the circumstances that brought you pain. Ask forgiveness from those who were offended by you. Change your attitude to people and events accept the past as it was. Heal your past, send love to it. I am sure you possess all the techniques you need. There is no other way. It takes time. Days, months or years.
Sometimes it took several years for me.

Accept everything that happened to you as the will of God. The logic of God differs from human’s. We deserve everything that happens to us. It might sound strange for somebody but it is true.

You have kids. They are reflecting your internal state better than anything else. Your kids and your wife are the best teachers for you now.
Oh, how lovely it would be to escape somewhere into a monastery spending days in meditation with the sounds of tibetian bowls and healing OTHERS.
I am sorry your real place is where you are now.

Your autistic son demands your attention, your love, your support. Switch the computer off and play with him now, read him a fairytale, build a fantastic town from a meccano. It heals you but not another “spiritual” teacher.

Do you think that your depression destroys you only? Oh, it ruins the souls of your kids, the souls of your grandchildren and further generations. They will be carrying this burden. Have you ever thought of it?
I’ve cleaned a lot from my mother’s side.

You have Reiki degree, practice yoga. All these means that you are much more responsible for the words and deeds than other who are “ordinary” people not attuned to any spiritual practices.

Forgive yourself.
Forgive your past.
Accept the logic of God which seems to be illogical right now.
Remember that just for today you are creating the future.

Love
With a strong kick to your a…

Anna

Anata, your words are filled with
good advise to all who read them.

As different people can read this branch I have to stress one point to be understood properly.
I wrote “ordinary” people. It does not mean that the word “ordinary” means “worse” or “lower” than “involved” or “attuned”.

its surprising how many 'ordinary' folk are far more awakened at soul level than those who engage in all manner of spiritual practice

~~

and Wayne....I've not read much of your stuff of late......but upon reading this, I picture you as a huge, fast, high swinging pendulum... swooping from one extreme to another...... I hope you find a more natural balanced rythmn in your life...and that Reiki enables you to slow that pendulum right down to a still position and just 'be'...

did you just equate me to something new-age!!! A pendulum!!

Milarepa wrote:did you just equate me to something new-age!!! A pendulum!!

Well...i thought she was equating you to be a "swinger"...lol

Jim

a new-age swinger. I could be convinced...

not sure the wife would approve though!

Namaste Wayne and everyone else as well!, You are a stong individual... and after reading your post I have to totally agree with your summation of Reiki truth being what you believe in the moment! My belief is that the only thing constant is your awareness and life and every outside influence and even your spiritual development happens all around it, kind of like your conciousness is at the eye of the tornado... your post was very moving and has me thinking about truth and about how you are the observer of your life as well as the world around you.

Thanks for sharing!
Elliott